Tag: Humor

Seinfeld Writing Prompts

Kramer gets a ticket for Jaywalking and decides to paint cross walks in the middle of every road. Elaine finds a key on her key ring she doesn’t recognize and becomes obsessed with what it goes to. Jerry and George find out they’ve slept with the same woman and try to find out who pleased her more.

Elaine can’t tell if the Gen-Z girl in her building is complementing or insulting her new bag. George claims he’s a gay man who has had multiple sexual partners to get vaccinated for monkeypox. Jerry is convinced that his new girlfriend draws on her freckles.

Elaine falls asleep with a towel covering 1 side leaving half a tan. Peterman thinks it’s a political fashion statement/Banyan starts doing funeral gigs & Jerry thinks it’s wrong/A cop car keeps following Kramer’s car but never pulls him over/The Wal-Mart greeter always greets everyone except George

Jerry dates a woman that claims to be a food connoisseur and “knows all the best places in NY,” but it’s all chain restaurants. George realizes each waitress at Monk’s brings him something different every time he orders “his usual.” Kramer, with the help of Newman mails himself to a penpal.

via:
RedditWritesSeinfeld

I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? – Clerks Quote

Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it’s any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?

Randal Graves: What?

Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?

Randal Graves: I don’t watch movies.

Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

Randal Graves: I find it’s best to stay out of other people’s affairs.

Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you haven’t heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Randal Graves: Nope.

Indecisive Video Customer: [turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?

Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.

Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren’t paying any attention!

Randal Graves: No, I wasn’t.

Indecisive Video Customer: I don’t think your manager would appreciate it if…

Randal Graves: I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am.

Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?

Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.

Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren’t paying any attention to what I was saying.

Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.

Indecisive Video Customer: You hope *what* feels good?

Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.

Randal Graves: You’ll be missed.

Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!

[leaves]

Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You’re not allowed to rent here anymore!

Jay: [outside; has no idea what’s going on] Yeah!

Clerks (imdb link to)

Emo Phillips Talks Someone off the Ledge (Almost)

Emo Phillips had a joke about this:

“Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.”

Via reddit

Eye Color in Literature, Significance of, Semiotic Meaning

I feel sorry for novelists when they have to mention women’s eyes, there’s so little choice . . .
Her eyes are blue: innocence and honesty.
Her eyes are black: passion and depth.
Her eyes are green: wildness and jealousy.
Her eyes are brown: reliability and common sense.
Her eyes are violet: the novel is by Raymond Chandler.

Flaubert’s Parrot
Julian Barnes

Quote found in book:
What We See When We Read
Peter Mendelsund
A gorgeously unique, fully illustrated exploration into the phenomenology of reading—how we visualize images from reading works of literature, from one of our very best book jacket designers, himself a passionate reader.

Hippie Roommate – Louis Katz

I don’t know why there’s still hippies, anywheres. It’s like the only group that’s still around. Right? You never run to a beatnik. Right? Never see a fucking flapper Charlestoning down the street. Right? When was the last time you saw a raver? Huh? You never see em anymore. You see one you got to hit him with a blow dart, trap him, force him to breed. They’re rare, like pandas. Yet for some reason, still hippies. I had this hippie roommate for a while. Her name was Juggle Sticks…