Tag: Humor

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb.’
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp.’
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post “I can’t see S$%!” and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said “f÷×$”
4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”.
13 to say “Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs.”
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

Nw5gooner
TLDR: It takes 388 redditors to change a lightbulb

Reddit

John Cleese’s Two Rules of Writing Comedy

First Rule: Get your panic in early. Fear gives you energy, so make sure you have plenty of time to use that energy. (The same rule applies to exams.)

Second Rule: Your thoughts follow your mood. Anxiety produces anxious thoughts; sadness begets sad thoughts; anger, angry thoughts; so aim to be in a relaxed, playful mood when you try to be funny.

Cleese, John. So, Anyway…

Mr Creosote – Monty Python

Mr. Creosote is a fictional character who appears in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. He is a monstrously obese, rude restaurant patron who is served a vast amount of food and alcohol whilst vomiting repeatedly. After being persuaded to eat an after-dinner mint – “It’s only wafer-thin” – he explodes in a very graphic way. The sequence opens the film’s segment titled “Part VI: The Autumn Years”.

The character is played by Terry Jones, who directed the film. According to Jones, John Cleese, who played the Maître d’hôtel, struggled to keep a straight face saying “wafer-thin mint” and also struggled to get out of shot without bursting into laughter.

In the sequence, Mr. Creosote dines at a French restaurant. The entrance of this morbidly obese middle-aged man is accompanied by ominous music. One of the fish in the aquarium exclaims “Oh shit—it’s Mr. Creosote!” as he passes, causing all the fish to swim for cover. The scene opens with a short dialogue between Mr. Creosote (who speaks with a coarse accent) and the maître d’ (who speaks with a fake exaggerated French accent), played by John Cleese:

Maître d’: “Ah, good afternoon, sir; and how are we today?”
Mr. Creosote: “Better.”
Maître d’: “Better?”
Mr. Creosote: “Better get a bucket, I’m gonna throw up.”
Creosote is then led to his table, and once seated starts projectile-vomiting, generally failing to hit the provided bucket. The floor quickly becomes covered in vomitus, and so do the cleaning woman and the maître d’s trousers. Creosote listens patiently while the menu’s highlights are read out to him by the maître d’, and after vomiting on the menu held open in front of him, he orders :

Mr. Creosote: “I’ll have the lot.”
Maître d’: “A wise choice monsieur!”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr_Creosote

Annie Hall Quotes

Pam: Sex with you is really a Kafka-esque experience.

Alvy Singer: Oh. Thank you.

Pam: I mean that as a compliment.
—

Alvy Singer: Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
—

[Alvy questions an old man on the street about his sex life]

Alvy Singer: With your wife in bed, does she need some kind of artificial stimulation, like, like marijuana?

Old man on street: We use a large vibrating egg.

Alvy Singer: [walking away] Well, you ask a psychopath for advice, that’s what happens…
—

Alvy Singer: My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
—

Annie Hall: You’re seeing an analyst?

Alvy Singer: Just for 15 years. I’m giving him one more year and then I’m going to Lourdes.

IMDB

Thanksgiving Macaroni and Cheese – Secret Ingredient? Love

Famous mac and cheese recipe. Don’t tell anyone but the secret ingredient is love! from r/funny

WulfenGeist
That’s hilarious. When I worked at Quiznos a lady ordered 6 bowls of chili over the phone and showed up with a big pot to pour it in

Wage_slave
About six years ago I saw a dude do this at a tim hortons with their soup.

It was potato something or other and he’s standing there trying to explain that he forgot about a pot luck at work and how much to fill his pot up.

ceylon_butterfly
My friend’s husband won a chili cook-off with brisket he got from a chain BBQ restaurant. I thought that was some real bullshit, especially because we live in Texas.

melindseyme
My dad won a chili cook-off with chili from a can once.

ApatheticCreative
I won a chili cookoff once. I was prepared for serious competition. I watched a few low production value “award winning” chili videos on Youtube by guys with thick Southern accents who sounded like they knew what they were talking about when it came to chili. I took pointers from each video and used that knowledge to make the Voltron of “award winning” chilis. It was pretty damn good chili. I would give it a solid 8. Maybe a 9.

The competition was sad and depressing. Unseasoned ground beef water with beans. I probably could have won it with a higher quality canned chili. At the very least people raved about my own entry. It vanished. I had numerous requests for the recipe.

What famous quotes sound better if you add a comma and “bitch” to the end?


What famous quotes sound better if you add a comma and “bitch” to the end? from AskReddit

CatKungFu
(Gandalf) – YOU SHALL NOT PASS, BITCH.

Arbie-Ess
“Therefore, send not to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee, bitch.”

48Planets
Veni, vidi, vici, bitch

ronsonmultifill
Give me liberty or give me death, bitch

ADDeviant-again
I regret that I have but one life to give for my country, bitch.

knitwit023
Inconceivable, bitch.