via:
RedditWritesSeinfeld
Tag: Humor
Best of Twitter 2022 – Fake Verified Accounts
A drunk pope? Ted Cruz the cannibal? Twitter parodies exploit new blue tick
The service now allows users to pay $8 to appear ‘verified’. Celebrity impersonators are having a field day
When You Tell David Crosby to Shut Up and Sing
I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? – Clerks Quote
Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it’s any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
Randal Graves: What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don’t watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it’s best to stay out of other people’s affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you haven’t heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: [turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren’t paying any attention!
Randal Graves: No, I wasn’t.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don’t think your manager would appreciate it if…
Randal Graves: I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren’t paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope *what* feels good?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.
Randal Graves: You’ll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You’re not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: [outside; has no idea what’s going on] Yeah!
Clerks (imdb link to)
Hey, Thanks Man
My goto along these lines:
“Damn. I can’t find my notebook.”
“Where’d you put it?”
Ben Stiller as Tom Cruise
Emo Phillips Talks Someone off the Ledge (Almost)
Emo Phillips had a joke about this:
“Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.”
Via reddit
Eye Color in Literature, Significance of, Semiotic Meaning
I feel sorry for novelists when they have to mention women’s eyes, there’s so little choice . . .
Her eyes are blue: innocence and honesty.
Her eyes are black: passion and depth.
Her eyes are green: wildness and jealousy.
Her eyes are brown: reliability and common sense.
Her eyes are violet: the novel is by Raymond Chandler.
Flaubert’s Parrot
Julian Barnes
Quote found in book:
What We See When We Read
Peter Mendelsund
A gorgeously unique, fully illustrated exploration into the phenomenology of reading—how we visualize images from reading works of literature, from one of our very best book jacket designers, himself a passionate reader.
Satan vs Corndog
Hippie Roommate – Louis Katz
I don’t know why there’s still hippies, anywheres. It’s like the only group that’s still around. Right? You never run to a beatnik. Right? Never see a fucking flapper Charlestoning down the street. Right? When was the last time you saw a raver? Huh? You never see em anymore. You see one you got to hit him with a blow dart, trap him, force him to breed. They’re rare, like pandas. Yet for some reason, still hippies. I had this hippie roommate for a while. Her name was Juggle Sticks…