Tag: Humor
First Rule: Get your panic in early. Fear gives you energy, so make sure you have plenty of time to use that energy. (The same rule applies to exams.)
Second Rule: Your thoughts follow your mood. Anxiety produces anxious thoughts; sadness begets sad thoughts; anger, angry thoughts; so aim to be in a relaxed, playful mood when you try to be funny.
Cleese, John. So, Anyway…
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
— Dea Poirier (@deapoirierbooks) February 14, 2021
Mr. Creosote is a fictional character who appears in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. He is a monstrously obese, rude restaurant patron who is served a vast amount of food and alcohol whilst vomiting repeatedly. After being persuaded to eat an after-dinner mint – “It’s only wafer-thin” – he explodes in a very graphic way. The sequence opens the film’s segment titled “Part VI: The Autumn Years”.
The character is played by Terry Jones, who directed the film. According to Jones, John Cleese, who played the Maître d’hôtel, struggled to keep a straight face saying “wafer-thin mint” and also struggled to get out of shot without bursting into laughter.
In the sequence, Mr. Creosote dines at a French restaurant. The entrance of this morbidly obese middle-aged man is accompanied by ominous music. One of the fish in the aquarium exclaims “Oh shit—it’s Mr. Creosote!” as he passes, causing all the fish to swim for cover. The scene opens with a short dialogue between Mr. Creosote (who speaks with a coarse accent) and the maître d’ (who speaks with a fake exaggerated French accent), played by John Cleese:
Maître d’: “Ah, good afternoon, sir; and how are we today?”
Mr. Creosote: “Better.”
Maître d’: “Better?”
Mr. Creosote: “Better get a bucket, I’m gonna throw up.”
Creosote is then led to his table, and once seated starts projectile-vomiting, generally failing to hit the provided bucket. The floor quickly becomes covered in vomitus, and so do the cleaning woman and the maître d’s trousers. Creosote listens patiently while the menu’s highlights are read out to him by the maître d’, and after vomiting on the menu held open in front of him, he orders :
Mr. Creosote: “I’ll have the lot.”
Maître d’: “A wise choice monsieur!”
Pam: Sex with you is really a Kafka-esque experience.
Alvy Singer: Oh. Thank you.
Pam: I mean that as a compliment.
—
Alvy Singer: Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
—
[Alvy questions an old man on the street about his sex life]
Alvy Singer: With your wife in bed, does she need some kind of artificial stimulation, like, like marijuana?
Old man on street: We use a large vibrating egg.
Alvy Singer: [walking away] Well, you ask a psychopath for advice, that’s what happens…
—
Alvy Singer: My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
—
Annie Hall: You’re seeing an analyst?
Alvy Singer: Just for 15 years. I’m giving him one more year and then I’m going to Lourdes.
Famous mac and cheese recipe. Don’t tell anyone but the secret ingredient is love! from r/funny
WulfenGeist
That’s hilarious. When I worked at Quiznos a lady ordered 6 bowls of chili over the phone and showed up with a big pot to pour it in
Wage_slave
About six years ago I saw a dude do this at a tim hortons with their soup.
It was potato something or other and he’s standing there trying to explain that he forgot about a pot luck at work and how much to fill his pot up.
ceylon_butterfly
My friend’s husband won a chili cook-off with brisket he got from a chain BBQ restaurant. I thought that was some real bullshit, especially because we live in Texas.
melindseyme
My dad won a chili cook-off with chili from a can once.
ApatheticCreative
I won a chili cookoff once. I was prepared for serious competition. I watched a few low production value “award winning” chili videos on Youtube by guys with thick Southern accents who sounded like they knew what they were talking about when it came to chili. I took pointers from each video and used that knowledge to make the Voltron of “award winning” chilis. It was pretty damn good chili. I would give it a solid 8. Maybe a 9.
The competition was sad and depressing. Unseasoned ground beef water with beans. I probably could have won it with a higher quality canned chili. At the very least people raved about my own entry. It vanished. I had numerous requests for the recipe.
You’re choosing a band name, the name must include a type of pasta, what are you going to call your band? from AskReddit
unholy-good
An 80’s cover band called We Built This Ziti
Futuralistic
Reggae Toni
BKStephens
Copy Pasta. We’ll do covers.
sasha678910
Shells Bells
Timmace
Fleetwood Mac
WhyAreUtheWayThatUR
Nine Inch Noodles
piedrift
Pennewise
dreamki11er
Orzo it seems
PeptoBismark
And their hit single, “Udon Love Me AnyMore”
What famous quotes sound better if you add a comma and “bitch” to the end? from AskReddit
CatKungFu
(Gandalf) – YOU SHALL NOT PASS, BITCH.
Arbie-Ess
“Therefore, send not to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee, bitch.”
48Planets
Veni, vidi, vici, bitch
ronsonmultifill
Give me liberty or give me death, bitch
ADDeviant-again
I regret that I have but one life to give for my country, bitch.
knitwit023
Inconceivable, bitch.
Werner Herzog’s Yelp Review for Trader Joe’s on Hyperion:
Madness reigns. The first challenge your soul must endure is the parking lot. You wait with your vehicle half blocking traffic, creating a perfect circular vortex of anger that encompasses the street and the entrance to the store. Once you attain access to the lot, you discover that this is a false achievement; other motorists stop and start with no apparent thought or plan— turns once begun are quickly abandoned, the drivers seemingly immune to geometry. At last a space opens up, but the price is having to enter the store. Inside, human beings scramble like beetles whose rock has been upended. Though the aisles are wide it is impossible to avoid physical contact with your fellow shoppers. It is a grotesque parody of the bazaar at Marrakech, as if dumb animals had been granted only the amount of sentience required to mock humanity. The aisles are not labeled. You must search for every item. The constant walking up and down causes a numbness that borders on profound despair. Your conscious mind registers merely annoyance, impatience. But on a cellular level, your body cries out in weariness. The fatigue you feel is a warning: millions of years of evolution trying to save you from becoming mired in the tar, from sinking into the warm blackness and ultimately being reclaimed by the earth itself.
Be sure to get the dark chocolate peanut butter cups, they are right by the register.
via Reddit
See also – Josh Gad Impersonates Jenifer Lewis on set of The Wedding Ringer