If John Lennon had not been so childishly dependent on women, he might have ended his marriage at this time. He hadn’t wanted to marry Cynthia in the first place. By now he wanted to kill her. He had plenty of money to make provision for her and Julian. He also had the Beatles to fall back upon, as well as the whole world waiting to take him into its arms. So what was he waiting for? John himself couldn’t answer that question, but he often asked it. As he told Maureen Cleave in an interview at Kenwood in March 1966, “There’s something else I’m going to do, something I must do – only I don’t know what it is.” Trying to discover what that mysterious “it” might be sometimes made John frantic. One night he went into the bathroom and fell down on his knees, as he had been taught to pray as a child. “God, Jesus, or whoever the fuck you are!” he cried. “Will you please, just once, just tell me what the hell I’m supposed to be doing?”
The Lives of John Lennon
Albert Goldman

