Tag: Anecdote

Stoner Orders Pizza – Best of Craigslist

To The Stoner Who Works At Cottage Inn Pizza
You: the guy who answers the phone at cottage inn pizza
Me: Hungry and stoned out of my gourd

I called you from my cell phone but had completely forgot who I was calling by the time you answered the phone. Of course, you were also baked to bajeezus and forgot to tell me that I had called Cottage Inn.

When you answered and said, “Whatsup?” I thought about it, and after a 20 second pause I told you that was hungry. You suggested I try a pizza, and I agreed that it was probably a good idea.

Then I asked you if you sold pizza and you said that you could make me one. I said I wanted anchovies and something else on my pizza. You asked me what that something else was.

We spent five minutes listing toppings until we figured out that I was trying to remember how to say: “Sun dried Tomatoes.” When you said: “We’ll bake that right up for you,” we both started laughing uncontrollably.

It was the best pizza I ever had; I just wanted to thank you for helping me out.

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/425529349.html

How Long Can You Hold on to a Resentment?

To the end, he nourished his loathing for my mother’s family. When he was eighty, he had to go for prostate surgery, and everybody was worried, it was very scary. Eventually, he was wheeled out of the operating room, and the surgeon said he’d come through very well, but my mother wanted to make sure. “I need to go in and see him.” So they let her into the recovery room and she came out a few minutes later, crying
“My God,” I said, “what happened?”
“He’s cursing my brother Nat,” she said.
“What?”
“He’s cursing my brother Nat. What does he want from my brother Nat? Nat’s been dead for forty years.”
So I went in and asked him, “What do you want from Mom? Why are you cursing her brother Nat? Nat’s been dead for forty years.” And my father said, “Dead don’t make you better.”

Alan King. Name Dropping

Drunk Mouth, defined by Grace Slick

There is no number for my offence in the vehicle code, I don’t think. Drunk Mouth is what I call it.
…
Another time I was driving my Aston Martin about 125 miles an hour over Waldo Grade. I didn’t bother to check the oil gauge. So, down at the bottom of a hill, on the Richardson Bridge, smoke and flames started coming out of the engine. Someone in a Volkswagon pulled over and said, “Do you want me to get the highway patrol for you?” I said, “Yes, please.” So he went and got the highway patrol. This cop weighs 205 pounds and has his thumbs hooked in his belt, which has a potbelly over it. I just didn’t like the looks of him. He said, “O.K., what’s going on here?” Remember, there are flames coming out of my car. I said, “What the fuck does it look like is going on? I’m having a goddamn party at four A.M. with fucking flames coming out of my car.” That’s the way I’m talking to him. “Down to the Civic Center, you drunk,” he says. Drunk Mouth, again.

Grace Slick, quoted in The Courage to Change: Personal Conversations about Alcoholism

Dirty words in the Dictionary, Samuel Johnson anecdote

Dear Quote Investigator: After Samuel Johnson published his masterful dictionary of the English language he was reportedly approached by two prudish individuals:

“Mr. Johnson, we are glad that you have omitted the indelicate and objectionable words from your new dictionary.”

“What, my dears! Have you been searching for them?”

via https://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/09/22/improper-search/