But I wasn’t making all the decisions. At a time when kids are supposed to be forging our own identities, child actors have ours chosen for us by agents, casting directors and the public. We are stuck as the hot one, the nerd, the bad seed, the cute ingénue. It is difficult, if not impossible, to develop an independent sense of self when what feels like the entire world pillories you for deviating from your type and heaps praise on you when you conform to it. For professional people pleasers, why wouldn’t we give the people what they want?
I often think about the parts of my childhood I lost, the hours spent driving to auditions and learning lines after school, the times I ditched friends, vacations and class at the drop of a hat for the sake of a job. I was a misfit at school because I missed so much of it, and when on set, I played misfits, too. I had trouble imagining a place for myself in the world where I wasn’t a misfit or an outcast as a result.