Tag: Humor

Emo Phillips Talks Someone off the Ledge (Almost)

Emo Phillips had a joke about this:

“Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.”

Via reddit

Eye Color in Literature, Significance of, Semiotic Meaning

I feel sorry for novelists when they have to mention women’s eyes, there’s so little choice . . .
Her eyes are blue: innocence and honesty.
Her eyes are black: passion and depth.
Her eyes are green: wildness and jealousy.
Her eyes are brown: reliability and common sense.
Her eyes are violet: the novel is by Raymond Chandler.

Flaubert’s Parrot
Julian Barnes

Quote found in book:
What We See When We Read
Peter Mendelsund
A gorgeously unique, fully illustrated exploration into the phenomenology of reading—how we visualize images from reading works of literature, from one of our very best book jacket designers, himself a passionate reader.

Hippie Roommate – Louis Katz

I don’t know why there’s still hippies, anywheres. It’s like the only group that’s still around. Right? You never run to a beatnik. Right? Never see a fucking flapper Charlestoning down the street. Right? When was the last time you saw a raver? Huh? You never see em anymore. You see one you got to hit him with a blow dart, trap him, force him to breed. They’re rare, like pandas. Yet for some reason, still hippies. I had this hippie roommate for a while. Her name was Juggle Sticks…

It Feels Like Movies are Getting Longer – Reddit Discussion

petantic
It’s actually to do with the fact that the length of time it takes to watch movies has gone up.

brisketandbeans
Interesting. Why is that?

petantic
It’s to do with the actual amount of movie they put into the film and that the film requires to be watched concurrently.

chameleonjunkie
Huh. Well I wonder why that is?

Apeman117
It has to do with the ending of the film getting further and further away from the start.

soulofboop
More movie per movie

2inchesofsteel
Right, right, I get that, but I wonder why that is the way it is, is what I’m wondering

petemorley
It’s like inflation. Back in the day you’d get 120 mins of movie, but these days that’s worth more like 240 mins. Same amount of movie.

RollBos
In a sense, that’s true. But in another sense, doesn’t it have as much to do with the fact that the total amount of time that is in a movie is becoming a larger amount of time?

ididntunderstandyou
You’re on to something here

see also: https://www.cnn.com/2022/02/06/entertainment/movie-runtimes-longer-mcu-batman-oscar-bait-cec/index.html

Samuel L. Jackson on His New Year’s Resolutions – SNL

1. Continue to kick ass.
2. Be as bad as I know can be.
3. Really put it out there, and by it I mean Sammy’s mojo.
4. Give it as good as I get it.
5. Be all that and more.
6. Lose my shyness, vis a vis the rocket in my pocket.
7. Work my voodoo on my lady fans.
8. Take a thorn out of some cat’s paw.
9. Build a shrine to my own bad ass.
10. Give the demons what for.
11. Spare the rod and spoil the face.
12. Continue to kick ass.
13. Show the bad men what it’s all about.
14. Release a dove from a ghetto rooftop.
15. Cradle a new born baby in the ruins of a church.
16. Stick it to all the suckas.
17. Show the man I mean business.
18. Take a computer class.

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb.’
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp.’
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post “I can’t see S$%!” and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said “f÷×$”
4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”.
13 to say “Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs.”
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

Nw5gooner
TLDR: It takes 388 redditors to change a lightbulb

Reddit

John Cleese’s Two Rules of Writing Comedy

First Rule: Get your panic in early. Fear gives you energy, so make sure you have plenty of time to use that energy. (The same rule applies to exams.)

Second Rule: Your thoughts follow your mood. Anxiety produces anxious thoughts; sadness begets sad thoughts; anger, angry thoughts; so aim to be in a relaxed, playful mood when you try to be funny.

Cleese, John. So, Anyway…