When You’re the Asshole

I blamed my fart on a mentally challenged boy in fifth grade…

In middle school, I saw a kid walking around with a fanny pack, so I snickered and said: “Nice fanny pack”. He said: “It’s for my insulin. Just got diagnosed with diabetes.”

I was making fun of an old guy I’d seen outside our school at a basketball tournament to some friends in the locker room. He looked and talked like Farmer Fran from the Waterboy. Turned out to be the dad of one of the guys I was talking to. Still can’t even think of that movie without it bringing up endless amounts of shame.

“What’s your name?” I asked.
[Trying to be playful.] “Oh cool, like ‘Sarah-with-a-lisp.”
“I have a lisp. My name is Sarah.”


“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.”